im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
