Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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