You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
