If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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