I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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