i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
