he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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