I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
