the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize