my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Randomize
