There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
