I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
