i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
