We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
