saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
