Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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