i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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