Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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