her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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