Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
