now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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