I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
