So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I have feelings that need drinking.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
