Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
