Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
