so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
