I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
