wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
