she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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