Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
