I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
