just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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