I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
