I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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