if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
