I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
