He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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