I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
