i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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