Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
