How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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