I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
