it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
