Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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