He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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