things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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