dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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