I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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