just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
