True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
