Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
