I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
