Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
this hospital has no fireball
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
