you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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