He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
