Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
